DECEMBER!
What’s that!? Did you hear this month shout as it came in? I did! So much of this year has been LOUD, unrelenting, and overwhelming.
I have felt that most of the year. And my nervous system is sending me no-so-subtle messages about slowing down during everyday tasks. Have you noticed that too?
Think about it… when you’re doing the dishes or folding laundry or making dinner… are you doing it as quickly as you can? I know I am! Talk about a nervous system that needs some love.
Like most millennial moms out there, I do everything fast. Because it feels like things are going to fall apart at any minute. But this way of being is also my nature. I am fast. I am sharp and quick. I crave running, sweating, and moving. I am a doer. I love a good task (hence my job choice!). I have ADHD (which probably exacerbates it all). I have trauma (we all do). All of this adds up to a nervous system that says“hey girl… you good??”
But I have been taking moments to notice these patterns and intentionally slow down. To relax my shoulders to loosen my jaw, to take deeper belly breaths. This is a practice, and while I’d like to master it, I think that may be part of my problem too… we are never going to master being completely zen. I believe we can master awareness, and that is the foundation of any healthy zen practice. So right now, I am reminding myself to be OK with at least having the awareness of my evolution.
Here’s the rub of it all – my energy feels “safe” when things are clean, checked off my to-do list, and buttoned up.
So my big question of the year has been, if this is my nature (to be fast, diligent, type-A)… am I supposed to change it? Am I not supposed to be in alignment with what feels like a more authentic nature for me?
Are we supposed to ask our natural instincts to change? To change what feels like foundational patterns of being?
Let’s think about it –
The personalities of the world are all incredibly varied and different. Are we all supposed to change to learn things from the “opposite” of who we are? Or are we supposed to be more *accepting* of our natural ways of being at the core?
Do we expect a quiet, introverted person to learn to become extroverted and bold? And do we expect those who are loud and intense to become the opposite? I really am curious about this.
>> Am I getting super deep here, friends? I am just happy I am finally able to express some of these core feelings I’ve been exploring this year in words, finally! I’ve had some serious communication constipation haha <<
I’ve always felt I needed to change because I am different than those in my family. I’ve always felt different or off, been told I’m too much… too opinionated/honest… too loud… too extreme… too intense.
I’ve prayed so hard for God to change who I am and not to feel the intensity that I feel. So I could be more harmonious with others. To just be easy-going. To stop looking so deeply into every single detail in my life. It feels challenging to write that, but it’s too late now for anything but the truth.
Did I experience this dynamic because I need to learn to accept who I am? Or is this because I need to change myself?
I’m sure many of you have felt like this too. Whether it is in your family or friend group… or both…I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Back to the top to wrap it up. What I am trying to do as we close out this year is to accept myself and my lively nature, but also temper it with more self-love and compassion that I can’t always get everything done that I want to. And when I add too much to my plate, I am not serving myself. That I can slow down, and things won’t become an emergency.
I am learning to tune things out until I have time to devote to them. I am learning that I WILL get all the things done I want to, and rushing does not help. I am learning to accept myself because I am a good human being with a good heart who is just a little cray cray sometimes.
What do I hope you take from this message? I hope you will see a bit of yourself in here too, wherever it may fit. We are all different humans but are likely on the same path of wanting to grow and evolve into even better humans. But I hope that means you accept and love yourself at your core and all those pieces of who you were when you weren’t “at your best.” All of you deserves love and acceptance. Give that gift to yourself this year.
I truly am in awe of being with you here at this time. We’ve got this. Keep going. Keep the faith.
Until next year,
Blair
